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Why doesn’t she respond after the speed dating event?

Joe:  Jay, I just don’t understand.  We matched at the speed dating event and I sent her an email the next day, but get no response.  What the heck?  This happened more than once!

Jay:  Joe, I hear you loud and clear.  Sometimes it does happen that you match, email the gal and then do not hear back.  It has happened to me too!!  So I understand your frustration, but there are a number of reasons why this could happen:

  1. After an event, it is not uncommon to get several matches.  It could just be that the gal matched with several guys, and is prioritizing who she is trying to get to know.  It may have nothing to do with you.  Again, it could be that she already started corresponding with someone else and wants to see where that goes first.
  2. Maybe she did not get your email?  If someone does not respond initially, I think it is ok to give it a few days and resend the email.  You never know if it went to spam, got erroneously deleted etc.  After sending a second email with no response, it is probably time to back off.
  3. Something else is going on in her life.  Outside factors influence us on a daily basis and some type of crisis or situation came up that has shifted her focus elsewhere.
  4. Something in your follow up email turned her off.  Joe, I have heard this many times before that something that seems like no big deal to you, can make a huge difference in determining if the gal will respond to you.  Remember, you may not be the only person she matched with.

Joe:   Nope, it can not be my follow up email.  It is very plain and simple and their is nothing offending or problem with it.

Jay:   Joe, can you give me an example of your follow up email so I can see if I can help.

Joe:  Sure, but it’s not the email.  There is nothing wrong with it.  Here it is:

  • Hi Mary.  It was very nice meeting you at the event.  I would like to get together with you for dinner or a cup of coffee with you, at your convenience.  Joe.

See!  It is plain and simple.  Nothing wrong with it.

Jay:  Yes Joe, it is plain and simple.  However I see at least two blaring issues that could have contributed to why Mary did not respond.  Let’s try to break this down further and get to the bottom of this.


Instead of me letting you know what I said to Joe at the end, I would like to open this up to discussion.  You may totally disagree with me and think that there is nothing wrong with Joe’s email.  If that is the case, just say that.  Otherwise, please give your honest constructive feedback on Joe’s email and what he could have done better.




  1. Jenn says:

    Personally, as a woman, I see nothing wrong with what Joe wrote to this woman. If I had received an email like that I would have responded. I actually have experienced the same thing. I matched with several guys at a speed dating event, but never heard from any of them. I sent them an email saying that it was nice meeting them at the event. I also said that we only had 4 minutes to talk, so I would like to get to know them better. I have not received one response. I don't understand, but I commiserate with Joe! Why do people go to these events if they don't really want to date???

  2. Liz says:

    Duh…it is so vague….general — and definitely not specific enough for a 5-min encounter at some speed dating event. "At your convenience"? Can this guy be any less interested or motivated to get together with Mary? There is no sign of enthusiasm. He comes across as though he can either take it or leave it. In that case…any great woman will walk away. Chances are Joe has not solidified a connection with Mary–and he should not expect Mary to remember him by sending such a brief and vague e-mail like that. What about trying to exchange a little conversation via e-mail first, and then making solid plans (being the initiator, that is)…and suggesting an actual restaurant…and not leaving it up to "her convenience."
    BE A MAN!

  3. Anonymous says:

    I couldn't agree more with Joe. And I certainly understand his frustration because i've encountered this situation SEVERAL times myself. Remember, Jay, this is not the intial contact he's had with her. I think that's critical here. She already decided she liked him and wanted to meet up with him. If an innocuous email like the one he sent her changed her mind about him, then she was full of YOU KNOW WHAT TO BEGIN WITH. If we start micro-dissecting every "potential" error in our communication, it's a sad commentary. And remember, her view of him already should be different than if it was a blind email because she has already bonded with him and said yes to a match! C'mon now, this is a joke.

  4. Jay says:

    Thanks Liz and Jenn for responding so far.

    Jenn, there is nothing wrong with what Joe wrote, but there is nothing right. People do date from the events and over 40 couples have been engaged. It is very frustrating though to write to someone and then not hear back. The problem is that participants frequently match with several people, and start corresponding with some and get sidetracked by others. I have had a gal email me 8 months after an event saying, I know we matched 8 months ago and I thought you were great, but I started dating someone from the event and now we just broke up. Are you available?

    Ok enough rambling, lets stay on target with this post, which is specifically about the follow up email after the event and what Joe could have done better.

    #1 as Liz said is that Joe's email was too blah. It was nice and cordial, but he could have sent that same email to a hundred different people. There was nothing specific about what Joe and Mary talked about that would anchor her back to the conversation they said at the event. A better example may have included an email where Joe said something like "I remember you mentioned that you like tennis. I blah blah blah bla" This way it shows something specific to Mary and not just some generic email.

    #2- The "at your convenience" may have hurt. I am first to admit that women confuse the heck out of me sometimes, but one consistent thing I have learned about most women is that they want a guy who has his own life and his own interests. Liz touched on this as well. The "at your convenience" makes it sound like Joe doesn't really care, or is just way to available and does not have anything else going on in his life. Female friends consistently have told me that women want a guy who is flexible, but not so accomodating that he will be availalbe whenever she wants.

  5. Anonomous says:

    I think we need to clarify about what goes on during the 4 or 5 minute speed dating session. If someone puts yes for the other person, it does not mean that "she already decided she liked him and wanted to meet up with him."

    All it means is that there was some initial interest during the four minutes and that she was interested in getting to know more about him. Does not mean that she wanted to meet up with him.

    She may have had several guys she put yes for and was interested in getting to know more about. Then the event ended, the results are sent, and the dating dance begins. Something about the email has to make Joe stand out from the other 4 or 5 emails this gal may have received. Again, just my thoughts here, but thats why this is opened for discussion.

  6. Magreve says:

    I think everyone is a little right and a little off … It is (a) POLITE to send a nice gentle note (and yes, Joe _could_ have been a hair more emphatic than "at your convenience") of interest, and (b) EQUALLY POLITE to reply "Yes, I know we matched, but X is going on for me right now."

    TO NOT REPLY is simply RUDE and shows bad manners. I just went to an event, replied to a match that wrote to me, and sent a message to my other match (he said yes, I did not). I have not heard back from him. I will ask again in a week, and then let it go. But that does not negate his RUDENESS in not responding, and thus, a black mark on his account.

    I have waited 10 years to begin dating again. I would like to be involved with polite, kind people. I have been "on line" for 20 years, and there is no excuse for non-polite response — if only to say "Sorry, my bad, not interested / otherwise engaged." And at least the original writer is not left in limbo.

    We are engaging our senses and feelings here, however fleetingly, and we need to be kind and careful with each other.

  7. Liz says:

    I completely agree with you. However, you are in for a "rude awakening" (no pun intended) – by entering the dating scene, since you will find that most men don't bother to communicate at all–if they change their mind about their interest level in a woman. 99.9% of men will simply not reply, or return a call (even after a few dates)–without an explanation! That's basically the truth. Men would rather avoid any type of confrontation…yet when the shoe is on the other foot–they expect more than that from a woman whom they find interesting–yet hasn't reciprocated that feeling. It seems in the dating world…no communication is very "communicative in terms of lack of interest". If a person doesn't get in touch with you (woman or man)–As the book and movie goes: "They simply are not into you". That simple. It's time to move onto someone more compatible with manners. Seldomly will you find a man that extends that level of courtesy after one 4-5 min. speed dating encounter. Is it the right thing to do? Sure, it is. Dating is definitely something you need a thick skin for…just my personal observation–and feedback I have heard from several women.

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