Why men do not get good responses from personal ads.
Personal Ads: A few months ago, I put up a profile on a few personal ad sites. Why? Two reasons; one because I am also single (ok, no comments from the peanut gallery on that one) and secondly for a little competitive intelligence.
Disclaimer: Yes, speed dating does work. 40+ happily engaged couples so far 🙂 30+ marriages
My experience
So I am reading these great profiles from women who say they want a genuine guy, down to earth, can be a little crazy, a little sarcastic, tired of the bar scene, likes animals, professional etc. So far so good. Next they say they want someone between 30-40 living within 25 miles from them, wants kids, and is 5 foot 8 or taller. Hmm, I’m batting 1000% so off comes my response. A few days go by, but no reply. Guys, does this sound familiar?
I did eventually get some replies, but it was a small percentage compared to the number of emails I sent. So my mission was to better understand why it was so difficult to get a response. I enlisted the help of my friend Michelle and several other women asking what they look for in a response and what the source of the problem was.
Summary of the problem
If a woman has a nice picture up on a high traffic personal ad website, she can get 20-50 responses a day. If she goes away for the weekend and hasn’t checked her mail in a few days, she may have dozens or more emails/winks/flirts etc in the inbox. So you are one of the guys who sent her a response. You read her profile from top to bottom and really thought you had some things in common and genuinely wanted to get to know her better. Guess what? Your response is buried within the dozens of responses she has to look through. By the time your email is read, whatever you wrote is diluted. Think about it, you are 1 response in 50. She may glance at your response and profile quickly and then move on to the other replies. Now if she only had a few replies a day, your reply may stand out.
The women we spoke with confirmed that one of the problems is the sheer volume of emails they get. Many indicate that it is quite obvious that the man didn’t even read her profile but responded anyway. “I said I wanted a guy who has no children and is between 35-45. Why is a man 58 years old, divorced with two kids wasting my time?” This is a key statement. I am not saying all guys do it, but many men respond to everyone without even reading a woman’s profile. They just go from profile to profile, copy and paste the same message, or send a wink/flirt. This clutters up the woman’s inbox and dilutes the responses she may have received from “genuine guys”.
So what is the answer? Well this may not be the total solution, but it could be a step in the right direction. I asked my friend Michelle to modify her profile slightly and include somewhere in the text that anyone responding should make the subject line read “Ciao Bella.” When she would go to her inbox and find 30 replies, she could go right to the ones with this subject line since these were the guys who really did read her profile. Michelle continued to receive dozens of emails and winks, the majority of which did not have the term “Ciao Bella” in the subject line. When someone did have the correct subject line, they were given top priority. Next week I will share what Michelle and other women look for in the profile and what makes them decide whether to respond or not.
Do not describe as "Good looking" – I agree…let the person reading your profile and looking at your photo – be the judge of that. We are glad your friends and family find you easygoing and funny…they are "your friends" – enough said. Personally, I would rather get a typed message instead of a stupid "wink/flirt"…which is automatic, and requires little thought. If you want to stand out from the rest–put some effort, interest and initiative behind your messages. Too many guys on these websites claim they want a relationship with a nice girl…but they lack the skills and interest to get anything off ground…nor do they put in the effort to get to know someone…sending out 50 flirts to various women, is not the way to go.
I'm on one of the 'free' dating sites. It is free to post a profile and free to respond. It has been a terrible experience for me (a female). Initially, I posted some nice pictures and worded my profile rather creatively and honestly. I probably received about 50 hits a day in the beginning. I was overwhelmed, but I DID take the time to respond to each man that sent me a sincere message. I went out on several 'first' dates but hardly any 'second' dates. Why? As quoted from another writer: "Too many guys on these websites claim they want a relationship with a nice girl…but they lack the skills and interest to get anything off ground…nor do they put in the effort to get to know someone…SIMPLE AS THAT! It is quite easy to sit back and send winks/flirts, but following up in person is a challenge for some of these men. And, it is a challenge for them because there are plenty of other 'fish in the sea' To quote another writer, "The only way to meet a person is through people….." I totally agree with this writer. I've already cancelled my 'free' online dating profile. Jay's friend Jonny should do the same and attend more speed-dating events! 🙂 He would certainly meet some nice women-myself included-and achieve better results that way.
To the post of 6:54 – I agree completely…I stated that "some" men lack the skills to communicate and get to know someone first…before trying to get physical…and by that I mean by the third date, some of these lame men are already all over a woman. Unfortunately…these same men attend these speed-dating events. They lack conversation, intellect and enthusiasm or perhaps confidence. Creating and maintaining a connection with someone requires "effort" guys! If you are constantly searching for "the next best thing" or "flavor of the month"–you will always find yourself ALONE ultimately. I also have met men that lack etiquette completely…once met someone where the 1st or 2nd time we ever went to a movie, and he snuck in cans of soda and bottled water into the movie theatre to save on the expense! Now that's a stingy unappealing quality that's tough to overlook. As for personal ads…STOP claiming to be easygoing, attractive and funny…that's very subjective…what is attractive to you may be downright hideous to the next person. Just be comfortable in your own skin, state what you enjoy most about your life and outside interests – aside from your occupation! That simple. Stating that you look younger than your actual age is also a big cliche! None of us want to age, or want to believe we look our age. Let the reader and ultimately the person meeting you face to face be the judge of that.
Lastly…guys, if you are looking to connect with a nice girl–post a SINGLE photo of yourself–not one with all these women hanging on you. We are not looking to join some fan club. It only demonstrates to us a level of immaturity and insecurity to say the least.
The answer is simple I know a few beautiful women that get hundreds of replys a week. The simplest thing to do is to just go by the photos, thats what they do. They pick a few of the best looking guys and only read their profile. It would take them years to read every profile. Of course these only last a few weeks to months till they figure out that he's having sex with multiple women. Lets face it if your a great looking guy this is a great mass marketing tool for sex. And guys don't be discouraged, I read a statistic that 85% of all men get no replys, thats correct no replys. So either shapen up your personal skills or go to Jays events, becasuse even though its brief, its more then a face there is apersonality behind it. good luck.