My clients often tell me they are seeking someone with little or no baggage. Yes, it can make for a simpler life if there are no ex wives to negotiate with, no child support to pay, no illnesses or emotional issues to deal with, but if you are a certain age, hopefully you have lived your life and experienced as much as possible.
Sometimes baggage can make a person very interesting. If handled well, it can even make us stronger. Don’t be so quick to write someone off because of a bit of extra luggage. On the other hand, everyone has dealbreakers. Below is a list of some things you might want to avoid in a partner:
1. A partner who “jumps the gun” on a relationship. If your boyfriend or girlfriend proclaims his/her undying love for you on the first date, chances are he/she isn’t right for you. It’s not flattering — it’s creepy. If this person thinks he “knows” you after just a few hours or even just a few dates, then he’s not interested in the real you. He’s just interested in having somebody. This person might turn out to be a stalker or worse. You’re better off alone than with someone who wants to be intimate too soon.
2. A partner who’s only looking for someone who looks like a model. I know we all have our “dream man” or “perfect woman” pictured in our heads. “He must be more than six-foot-fiv and have a full head of hair.” “She must weigh 110 pounds and have a 36D chest.” But if this is your criteria for a “soulmate,” I have news for you:Yyou’re not likely to find the love of your life!
Conversely, do you really want to be with someone who finds you sexy but could care less about the person inside? Looks are fleeting. Seek a soulmate who is beautiful under the skin. You never know what package your soulmate is going to arrive in. Be flexible and you just might be pleasantly surprised.
3. A partner I’d be ashamed to take home to my family. If someone is truly your soulmate, he or she is going to be around for a long time. Presumably, you want to be with someone who would fit in well with your family and friends … someone you’d be proud to take home to mom and dad.
Don’t date a man who wants you to dress like a porn star. He’s not seeing you as “wife material” or the mother of his future children. And guys, if you’re truly looking for your soulmate, don’t date someone you’d be ashamed to bring home to your parents
4. A partner who’s inconsiderate of others. A person who treats other people poorly, such as waiters and service people, has a poor character. Chances are, he or she will treat you just as badly down the road. Judge a potential partner by how he or she treats others. Never settle for someone who’s rude or inconsiderate of others’ feelings.
5. A partner who sees you as a sperm bank or a uterus. If you are desperate to have a baby — and, yes, this applies to some men, too — you can’t let this affect your search for a partner. Don’t settle for someone who’s less than a soulmate just because your biological clock is ticking. And if your potential mate brings up the subject of having children with you before you’ve even had your second date, be wary of being used as a sperm bank.
6. A partner with bad manners and/or hygiene. A true soulmate will have your feelings in mind. He or she won’t offend you with bad manners or poor hygiene. If he spends every meal on his cell phone, avoiding conversation with you, get rid of him. (If he’s a doctor or single parent and gets an emergency call, give him some slack, of course!)
If your potential soulmate always meets you in a t-shirt and flip-flops and doesn’t bother to brush her teeth, then she doesn’t care about your feelings. If he burps and farts at the dinner table and picks his teeth with a matchbook, he’s not for you. Your soulmate will want to show you his or her “best side” even beyond the first few dates..
7. A partner who’s “full of him/herself.” Self-confidence is attractive — boastfulness is not. Men who brag about how much money they make, their six-pack abs or their brand-new Ferrari aren’t soul-mate material. This “macho talk” means he’s more interested in himself than in you. And it works both ways. Men are turned off by women who are always talking about their looks, their taste for expensive jewelry or their manicures. Look for a partner who’s modest about his or her appearance and accomplishments.
8. A partner who’s “high-maintenance” or needy. Never settle for a partner who relies solely on you for entertainment. An attractive soulmate is independent, not joined to you at the hip. He or she should have his or her own interests. When I ask my male clients if they care what kind of job a woman has, 95 percent of the time they will answer, “I don’t care what she does as long as she has a job and it is something that she enjoys or is passionate about.”
He doesn’t want the pressure of knowing she is just waiting for him to finish work or whatever he is doing so he can get home to entertain her. A certain degree of independence makes for a balanced and healthy relationship.
9. A partner who talks about his/her ex all the time. It is a real turn-off to both men and women to hear stories or complaints about the person’s ex. You want to become involved with someone who is over the past and ready for a new relationship. I get feedback so often from both men and women about their date going on and on about their ex. And often it is extremely negative. Put the past in the past and focus on the person in front of you.
