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New Rules of Attraction

When it comes to finding love, it’s no longer about love at first sight, or fireworks with your first kiss. That only happens in the movies. I’ve got the NEW rules of attraction, courtesy of MSN:

  • The first old rule: You’ll know within three seconds if they’re “the one.” The new rule: You may know within three dates. The reason: People are nervous on date one, begin to unwind on date two, and by date three, can relax and work on building a little rapport. Early sparks also say nothing about long-term potential. It takes time, talking and listening to see whether your values, dreams and desires are compatible. So don’t write someone off – or fall head over heels – until you’ve had three dates.
  • Another old rule: Opposites attract. The new rule: Opposites distract! It may be fun to hang out with someone very different, but once the initial attraction wears off, if you don’t enjoy the same things, you’ll have nothing to do together. So, if they love spending money and traveling, and you’d rather garden and save up for a house, you might want to reconsider the relationship.
  • Another old dating rule: Your first kiss should mean fireworks. The new rule: Your first kiss means nothing. In fairy tales, an amazing kiss always leads to happily ever after, but there are a lot of reasons why a first kiss can go wrong. Like nerves, a public farewell at a bus stop, or her dad hovering on the other side of the front door while you say goodnight. Instead, wait for at least kiss #2 before you say “yea” or “nay.”
  • One final old dating rule: When it’s true love, you think about them constantly. The new rule: it’s true love if thinking about them makes you feel good. Having warm, comfortable feelings indicates a relationship built on stability, trust and a strong ‘friendship’ factor. In other words, a relationship that’ll wear well over time. On the flip side, if you’re up all night analyzing their emails for hidden messages and clues to their true feelings, you may be chasing someone who’s just not that into you. 

Getting over a break up.

This is an article I found on the internet.  didnt write it myself.
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Breaking up is not easy – especially if you have to stop seeing someone who you really like and care about. Losing someone special inevitably breaks one’s heart and learning how to heal that broken heart is very important to our emotional health and to our ability to return to enjoying dating life promptly.

Indeed, we often have no choice but never see each other again, and therefore it’s worth knowing how to get over those break ups and continue moving forward with our lives with the right mindset.

Here are the steps you can and you should take in order to get over any break-up quicker and in a more healthy manner:

1. Avoid harboring hope that you and your ex-partner will get back together. This is a crucial time when you must demonstrate strength and reluctance in letting those thoughts get into your head. Being strong now will most certainly pay off in the future.

2. Stop reminiscing on the wonderful times that you and your ex had while you were together. Such memories do nothing good to you but only aggravate your pain and prolong your recovery.

3. Stop thinking that your ex was one of a kind person. No matter how special he/she was, your next love will be also special in its own, unique way – this is just the reality of how love works.

4. Realize and truly believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason and for your own best. This includes break-ups. Think about it – most people who lose jobs eventually find a better one. The same applies to relationships. If you were taken out of your recent relationship by some great force, perhaps that force is trying to take you out of that relationship and put you back into the market, so that you start looking for and find a better partner.

5. Perceive your recent break-up as a great opportunity to learn how to deal with such experiences and become a stronger and a more mature individual.

6. Do not perceive your lost relationship as a waste of time. Be greatful! Be greatful for having been granted the joy of love and affection with your former partner as long as it lasted and don’t forget that some things are probably just not meant to last. There is no insurance against breaking up whether you have been together for a month or for 20 years.

7. If you believe that you made certain mistakes in your recent relationship, whether they were the ones that caused the break-up or not, make sure you learn from those mistakes and move forward as a person who possesses a better understanding of himself and his interactions with romantic partners, and make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes in the future.

8. Lastly, continue living! Pursue your professional and social goals and don’t leave much space for boredom in your life. This is not the right time to “relax.” You will have plenty of time to relax once you are over your ex and perhaps once you met someone new.

Breaking up is hard, but it can be a positive experience if you allow it to be. It can make you grow and become a stronger and a more attractive person. Make sure you take advantage of those valuable life lessons!

Further, it is important that you remember that the pain of breaking up is an emotion, and as such, it will not go away overnight. It will take time for it to go away. But with conscious effort of keeping in mind the above points, you can make the process of overcoming and recovering from the break-up much faster and easier.

Are you sabotaging your love life?

From Tesh.com

You Could Be Sabotaging Your Own Love Life

Are you destroying your own love life? It’s natural to blame your single status on the “lack” of good men or women out there, but the truth is – YOU might be doing a few key things that can sabotage your chances at romance. Here they are, courtesy of Condé Nast Publications.

Drinking too much on a date. A study from Loyola Marymount University found that 71% of people drink more on dates than they normally would. So think about these questions: Do you feel more attractive when you drink? Do you start drinking before a date? Does drinking make you feel attracted to people you wouldn’t otherwise be drawn to? If you answer yes to any of these, experts say you should think about stopping after one drink. Otherwise you could be giving your dates the wrong impression, or making decisions that aren’t in your best interest.

Next bad move: You over-rely on technology, like Facebook, matchmaking sites, or texting. According to relationship psychologist Logan Levkoff, there are so many ways to meet and communicate with people electronically that we can forget how to express ourselves when face-to-face. So, rather than relying on gadgets to send a perfectly crafted message, she says you need to get out and interact with people. Meeting online is fine, but don’t rely on your electronic presence. All of that technology will absorb your time and emotional energy, and you won’t be as engaging in real-life situations.

One last thing that may be sabotaging your love life: You pick unavailable partners. Dr. Lissa Coffee is a sociologist and relationship coach. She says that people who lack confidence are often drawn to distant men or women, because they feel that if someone shows real interest in them – there must be something wrong with them. Like the famous line, “I don’t want to be part of any club that would have me as a member.” Or maybe you think an unavailable person won’t ever get close enough to hurt you. Coffee says the key to picking the right partner is keeping the qualities you want in mind at all times. If you think “loyal” or “sensitive” when you set out to meet someone, your instincts will guide you to that type of mate.
 
Long Island Singles Events    Speed Dating Long Island

Just Be Yourself

From Tesh.com

If You Want to Be Successful at Dating, Just Be Yourself

How many times have you asked someone for dating advice, and been told: “Just be yourself?” According to new research we found on LiveScience.com, that truly is the best way to have more dating success, and find a happier romance in general. Yes, just be yourself! This new study was conducted by researchers at Ohio State University. They tracked more than 60 couples, and asked each one to complete a questionnaire every few weeks.

The first one asked participants to rate themselves on how authentic they considered themselves to be as individuals.

In the second questionnaire, students were asked about their relationship. For example: One question asked about their willingness to discuss emotions with their partner, while another asked if they ever kept secrets from their partner.

In the third questionnaire, participants were asked to measure their overall satisfaction with their relationship.

When researchers crunched the results, they found a consistent pattern: Students who had reported being true to themselves from day one were generally more satisfied with their relationships! Why? Amy Brunell is a psychologist who led this study. She says if you’re always true to yourself, it’s easier for you to act in ways that build intimacy in your relationship, and keep you both feeling fulfilled. However, if you’re always trying to live up to someone else’s expectations – or being something you’re not – then you’re going to be too focused on playing a role, and you won’t be able to improve the relationship!

 Brunell adds this one caution: Staying true to yourself doesn’t mean you should accept all your flaws, and celebrate your shortcomings, because for yourself, you should always be looking for ways to make positive changes in your life. The message here is to be authentic from day one, and come to the table showing a willingness to have an open, honest relationship. If you can do that, this study suggests it’ll be easier to develop a stronger, long-term romance.

Text Flirting

The “Dos” and “Don’ts” of Text-Flirting

Let’s face it: Dating was complicated enough before cell phones. Now, many new couples express their affection for each other in text messages more than in person! Unless you know what you’re doing, so-called “text flirting” can either improve your relationship or send your date packing! So, let’s break down some “dos” and “don’ts” of text flirting, with relationship intel we found on CNN:

DON’T plan your first date with a text message. Most women agree that guys should make an effort to actually dial a phone and call them at the start of a relationship. Otherwise, a text invitation to spend time together will feel too informal, and your date won’t feel like you respect her. One woman interviewed by CNN put it this way: If a guy she barely knew started sending her flirty text messages, it’d feel like a total stranger using pick-up lines! Creepy.

However, after your first date: DO let the text flirting begin. The women interviewed by CNN agreed that text-flirting can be fun after you’ve established chemistry with someone. The texts don’t have to be long and poetic. Something as simple as “thinking of you” is enough. The key is to send your flirty texts at random, unexpected times. They’ll feel more genuine that way.

DON’T use emoticons in your flirty texts! Again, this was something the women interviewed by CNN were unanimous about. They said sideways smiley faces, and lovey-dovey heart symbols, are annoying enough when they come from other women. So just don’t do it.

If the relationship doesn’t work out, DON’T break up with a text. Most women agree that’s tacky! Even if you can’t muster the willpower to break up in person, you should at least extend the courtesy of a phone call.

By the way: It should go without saying that “sexting” your new date is a definite DON’T, because the women interviewed by CNN said they’d do one of two things if they received half-naked photos from a guy on their phone: They’d either show all their friends for a good laugh or they’d call the police.

Long Island Singles Events

Should he shave/trim it?

Hi Jay,

Can you please post the following on your blog, but please do not use my name.  I am a little embaressed about this.

Thanks

TS (a guy)
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Hi Jay,
I recently saw a movie where the guy shaves his personal area and was wondering if this was normal for men.  I mean, do guys really do this?  And do women find this a turn on?  After seeing the movie, I tried to shave a little, but it hurt like heck.  Is it worth that much pain? 

If women really do like it, then I guess it is worth it, but would like to know what your female readers think about a guy who does this?

Thanks

TS

Truths About Love That Can Improve Your Relationship

From Tesh.com

Truths About Love That Can Improve Your Relationship

Ladies – here are a few truths about love that can help your relationship grow and improve over time. This comes from dating coach Dr. Jennifer Oikle, and MSN:

First, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. Oikle says when you’re with your significant other, you’re not thinking about them, you’re in the moment. However, when you’re apart, you miss each other and look forward to seeing each other, which helps rekindle the flames.

If a man says he’s not ready for a relationship, take his word for it. Our dating coach says that men don’t like to disappoint women. So, when a man says he doesn’t want to get involved, that means he doesn’t want to get involved. She also points out that a man who’s not interested in a relationship isn’t going to change his mind once he gets to know you a little better. In fact, if you stick around, he’ll assume you’re okay with a casual, nonexclusive relationship, and it’ll never go any farther than that.

If a man’s “too busy” to be with you, he’s getting ready to break up. These days, with emailing, texting, cell phones, and Facebook, if you don’t hear from a man for a day or two, it’s a sign he’s not fully invested in your relationship. In fact, experts say that when a man gets ready to say goodbye, he creates distance – hoping to cushion the blow. If he’s into you, he’ll never be too busy to hang out.

One final truth about relationships: He wants to feel like he’s taking care of you. Family and couples therapist Dr. Allen Berger says that a lot of men don’t feel masculine or worthwhile unless they’re “of value” to the person they love. They feel most valuable when they’re doing things for that person. So, even if you’re an independent woman who can take care of yourself and support yourself, you can improve your relationship by letting the man in your life take the lead once in awhile, even if it’s something as simple as paying for dinner.

Rethink your dating strategy?

from Tesh.com

Rethink Your Dating Strategy

You may be the smartest person in the room, but one relationship expert says, sometimes, the smartest people have the toughest time dating. If that’s you, it’s time to re-think your dating strategy! That’s according to Dr. Alex Benzer who wrote The Tao of Dating. Dr. Benzer says in order to find the right partner, you should take a close look at yourself. Here are a few things to think about:

First, remember love isn’t a contest! Dr. Benzer says smart people like to date other smart people. However, resist the urge to compete! Instead of trying to one-up each other when it comes to intelligence or ambition, celebrate the way you compliment each other. Don’t let competition ruin a good match! If someone always has be right, or win, that means the other has to be wrong, or lose. That doesn’t create romance.

You also want to leave the person you are at work, at work! No matter if you’re a CEO or a teacher, Dr. Benzer says people respect a partner who takes charge at the office, but who doesn’t have to be in control on a date.

If you want a meaningful relationship, make finding one as big a priority as the other things in your life. A lot of ambitious people end up alone – because they put all their focus into their job, but if you like someone, give them the same energy you give to your work.

As hokey as it sounds, Dr. Benzer suggests you BE the love you want to attract! If you’re full of joy and compassion, and make your date feel like a billion bucks, you’ll get that back. It’s like the tennis ball analogy we mention on this show – the way you hit a tennis ball against a wall is exactly how it’ll come back to you.

You have to go with your heart – not just your brain. Someone might have all the qualities you want in a partner: a great job, a good sense of humor, a good family – but Dr. Benzer says: if being with them doesn’t make you feel good, you’re probably with the wrong person.

Things to talk about on a first date

From Tesh.com

Here Are The Best Things to Talk About on a First Date

Here’s some first date advice you can really use: The best things to talk about when you’re out with someone new! We got these from the researchers at Psychologies magazine.

Topic #1: Humor. Kathy Lette is the author of Men: A User’s Guide. She says studies show that humor is the quality we most want in a partner, and if you can fire off a few one-liners to bring up different topics, you’ll score points. For example, she says you could bring up family with the line, “Distant relatives are the best – the further away they live, the better.” Of course you don’t want your date to think you despise your family – it’s simply an ice-breaker to get you into a friendly discussion about them.

Topic #2: Food. Giles Coren is a British food critic and novelist. He says that food provokes powerful memories, which spark conversation. For example, you might say, “Mashed potatoes remind me of Meatloaf Day at school when I was a kid. What was school like for you?” Also, Coren says that trying new foods with someone will give you a lot to talk about.

One last first date topic: Nostalgia. If your food story doesn’t take you back to your childhood, find something that does. Reminiscing about TV shows you watched after school, or music your parents played on 8-track transports you both back to happy, care-free times. In those moments, you become gentler and less cynical, which makes you more attractive – and helps you connect to the other person.

Remember to read up on the day’s news. Chloe Medanes, author of Relationship Breakthrough, says that even the most confident person can clam up when hanging out with someone they’re attracted to. However, keeping up on current events will help you avoid awkward silences, so you don’t come off as self-conscious and disinterested.

Why doesn’t she respond after the speed dating event?

Joe:  Jay, I just don’t understand.  We matched at the speed dating event and I sent her an email the next day, but get no response.  What the heck?  This happened more than once!

Jay:  Joe, I hear you loud and clear.  Sometimes it does happen that you match, email the gal and then do not hear back.  It has happened to me too!!  So I understand your frustration, but there are a number of reasons why this could happen:

  1. After an event, it is not uncommon to get several matches.  It could just be that the gal matched with several guys, and is prioritizing who she is trying to get to know.  It may have nothing to do with you.  Again, it could be that she already started corresponding with someone else and wants to see where that goes first.
  2. Maybe she did not get your email?  If someone does not respond initially, I think it is ok to give it a few days and resend the email.  You never know if it went to spam, got erroneously deleted etc.  After sending a second email with no response, it is probably time to back off.
  3. Something else is going on in her life.  Outside factors influence us on a daily basis and some type of crisis or situation came up that has shifted her focus elsewhere.
  4. Something in your follow up email turned her off.  Joe, I have heard this many times before that something that seems like no big deal to you, can make a huge difference in determining if the gal will respond to you.  Remember, you may not be the only person she matched with.

Joe:   Nope, it can not be my follow up email.  It is very plain and simple and their is nothing offending or problem with it.

Jay:   Joe, can you give me an example of your follow up email so I can see if I can help.

Joe:  Sure, but it’s not the email.  There is nothing wrong with it.  Here it is:

  • Hi Mary.  It was very nice meeting you at the WeekendDating.com event.  I would like to get together with you for dinner or a cup of coffee with you, at your convenience.  Joe.

See!  It is plain and simple.  Nothing wrong with it.

Jay:  Yes Joe, it is plain and simple.  However I see at least two blaring issues that could have contributed to why Mary did not respond.  Let’s try to break this down further and get to the bottom of this.

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Instead of me letting you know what I said to Joe at the end, I would like to open this up to discussion.  You may totally disagree with me and think that there is nothing wrong with Joe’s email.  If that is the case, just say that.  Otherwise, please give your honest constructive feedback on Joe’s email and what he could have done better.

Thanks!

Jay