Why Nice Guys Lose In Dating

Written by David Wygants intern

Hey everyone, Intern Dan here with my first blog post.

 So, lately I’ve been hearing a lot of guys making the “observation” that women always say they want a “Nice Guy” but then end up with the total jerk. In my circles, this is one of the most common reasons why guys think they don’t get dates. They’re nice guys with “principles” and treat women with “tons of respect” only to have them say they only want to be friends. The “Nice Guy” always follows this up with “Well, women aren’t logical and do really dumb things and this jerk is going to treat her way worse than I would treat her.” And we can’t forget “Well, I’m a nice guy, that’s who I am and I won’t change into a jerk for her, that’s just not who I am.” I’ve heard this over and over again and I’ve probably thought this way myself once or twice.

Well, guess what? This whole “Girls don’t date nice guys” is true. Women don’t want a “Nice Guy”. They may say they do, but what they really mean is that they want a GOOD guy.
What’s the difference? Well for starters, Nice Guys aren’t actually nice. A Nice Guy is a guy who doesn’t think enough of himself to fully take control of his life so he tries to be as accommodating and inoffensive as possible.

Nice Guys And Dating 

When he meets a woman he’s attracted to he wants to make sure he does everything he can to please her. He thinks he can do this by constantly asking if she’s okay and getting her to plan dates. The wishy-washy sentence “Oh whatever you want to do?” is the perfect example of this.

See, what the nice guy is actually doing is giving control over his life to the woman. He’s too scared to live his life so he’ll let her do it for him. It’s weak and not just a little cowardly. Women don’t want the power over a man’s life. She wants a partner, a friend, a lover… not someone who she has to make life decisions for. When you’re “nice” you’re really trying to give up the responsibility of living your own life to a woman, trusting she’ll take care of you.
In my books, that’s a pretty jerky thing to do.

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So this past weekend, I went to check out David Wygant, a dating coach who was giving a seminar in Manhattan.  I was pleasantly surprised with his style and down to earth approach.  His big thing was to be genuinely interested in other people and talk to EVERYONE.    Easier said than done!!  Just opening up a conversation can be a major challenge for many guys (and ladies too).  

The Stylelife Challenge by Neil StraussNeil Strauss wrote a handbook called “The Stylelife Challenge”, mastering the game in 30 days.  It is a 30 day program that gives you different things to do each day that build on the previous days assignments.  

As described on Amazon.com “Part one -the Stylelife Challenge is a 30 day instructional mental-workout program; the HOW TO for improving your social marketing; perfecting your personality, body language and image, creating sexual chemistry and attraction; virtually 100s of tips, exercises, and techniques, logically explained step by step.

What I really liked is he explains exactly how and why each facet of your studies works, and assigns you homework. You’re forced to do somewhat uncomfortable things until you become a natural through repetition; till each skill is performed effortlessly. Each chapter builds and expands on the previous. After learning all 30 you’ve got the mindset and confidence.”

Guys, do you want in?

This will be a Free  group.  Your identitycan remain ananomous to others.  

We will go through the Style Life Challenge together and have a weekly phone conference call.  There is also an online forum that you will be able to post comments/ideas/challenges to.

1.  Buy the book The Style Life Challenge.  You can get it used for less than $10 through Amazon

2. Email Jay … Info@Weekenddating.com and let me know you want to take part.  I would like to start the group next week, so you would need to buy the book asap.

Other things?

Ladies- The above really applies to the guys.  However for those of you who are interested, the Coach I mentioned at the beginning of this saga (David Wygant), teaches women on a regular basis.  I am not familiar with his products, but from what I saw, he seems to be really good.  He has a bunch of free stuff which may be interesting.  You can check it our here. 

Guys- On September 9th, 10th and 11th, the Dating Conference is taking place in Manhattan.  25 of the top dating coaches in the country will all be under one roof, teaching different aspects to improving your dating life.
You can get details here.  They are currently charging $381 but the price jumps another $100 or so in 9 days.

Disclaimer- Some of the marketing gears towards guys who are jut looking to get laid, but the same materials can be used to find that one special lady.

PS.  If you think that is expensive, it really isnt compared to the thousands of dollars other coaches charge for a single weekend.  If you are interested, email me at info@Weekenddating.com  and I will call the organizer and see if I can get you some type of extra discount.

All the best.

Jay
www.weekenddating.com
718-757-6933

Jay,

Can you please post this and see if your readers can give some feedback?

Thanks

Brian

“I have had a female friend for over 5 years.  We talk about everything and really have become great friends.  Although I am insanely attracted to her, I know long term it could never work because we are just so different and would continue to butt heads.    We never actually hooked up, but one time last year she was a little drunk and kissed me.  When I saw the preview for the movie “Friends with Benefits”, it got me thinking again.  We are both single, are very comfortable with each other,  and wonder if anything could happen.  Although she probably wouldn’t admit it, I think she may have thought about this as well.

My question is whether it would really be possible for us to continue being friends if anything physical happened between us.

Any ideas?”

Thanks and look forward to hearing what people think.

Brian.

We set an event to see this romantic comedy as a group on Sunday, July 24th. Details

A few weeks ago, I wrote an entry about how one meeting and change your life forever. If you missed it, you can check it out here

This past weekend was another good reminder of this.  Gina & Ira invited me to their house for a BBQ on Sunday and it was great to reconnect with them.  They had invited me to the wedding last month, but I was unable to make it.

I had met Gina at one of my networking events many years ago and we became friends.  On that one faithful night a few years back in Northport, Gina happened to be visiting a girlfriend and they were planning on going to dinner.  She changed her original plans and they decided to have dinner at the venue I was having the event, since it was down the block from where they were.

At the very last minute I had a female participant cancel for the event and was short one woman.   Soon after, Gina and her friend arrived and there was that one empty spot just waiting for Gina to sit down.
And the rest was history.

The newlyweds looked so incredibly happy together at the BBQ.  Even better is that Ira agreed that if they have children and it is a boy, the middle name will be Jay 🙂

Ever hear the old saying that “Men love with their eyes and Wome love with their ears”?

In many cases, this theory really does hold true.  Just the other day I was talking with Melony about a guy she was crazy about.  She said “when I first met him, I thought he was ugly, but as I got to know him, I found that he was actually pretty cute.”

Now for the exception…….

Personal ads..  I have interviewed dozens of women and the majority confirm that when it comes to personal ads, the over riding factor that determines if she will reply is your picture.

A few weeks ago, I had a date at the Brokerage Comedy Club.  We got on the topic of personal ads and the woman showed me her phone.  She had just put up a personal ad the night before and had 24 responses over night.  In order to weed through, she quickly glances at the pic, decides to respond or not and moves on.

Oh as far as the date, nice girl, just no sparks.. Plus she pissed me off by not thanking me for dinner and the show.

Ok Ok, back to todays topic.. Pictures and Personal ads.

So yes, I admit I try the personal ads.  On average, it takes me about 20-30 emails to get one response back.  Talk about frustrating!!  Compared to other guys I have spoken to about this, that ratio is actually pretty good.  The problem quite honestly is that a pretty woman is bombarded with emails from guys who do not even read her profile.  By the time she gets to your response, it is already watered down because it is mixed in with several other irrelevant messages.  So many of the ladies just look at the pic, just like the guys do and make a decision.

TIME TO EXPERIMENT:

My friend Mike is a professional photographer, so I am going to see him this week and get some new pics.  Going to make sure I have a slight tan and wear good clothes.    I will report back after the pics are up  and see if the response rate changes.

Speed Dating NYC

I hate being single, I really do. This weekend was a very good reminder that things can change in a magic moment and your life will never be the same. It also reminded me that we need to put ourselves out there as much as possible, because you never know when lightening might strike.

• Yesterday I went to Tom’s birthday party and had a great time. They had put together several little games, one being the Newlywed Game. It was really cute to see Tom and his wife Tracy kiss after one of them answered a question right. Actually they kissed even when one of them got the question wrong.Well you see, Tom and Tracy met at one of my events in 2008 and I went to their wedding last August. Tracy could not stop thanking me and telling the other guests about how her life had changed forever because of a chance meeting with Tom at a speed dating event. Tracy had been to several events and had done the dating circuit trying to find Mr. right. I remember we had spoken on the phone several times about how tough the dating scene was and she wondered if she would ever meet that special guy. She kept putting herself out there and lightening struck! You may actually see Tom and Tracy hosting some of my events soon. Who better to represent WeekendDating.com than a walking testimonial!
• Dan had been to been quite a few events. He had then vanished for a while because he was not having success and then recently started coming back to the events. Well the other day I saw his status on his Facebook page had changed to “in a relationship” with Victoria. Pretty cool. Rumor has it that they are talking about moving in together soon. He kept putting himself out there and lightening struck.
• Two weeks ago I put up an impromptu last minute event to listen to 80’s music at RC Dugans. It was nothing structured, just a last minute thing to give singles a place to go and hang out on a Friday night. I just heard from Mark, one of the attendees, that he met someone that night and they have been out several times. He said “I have a feeling about this one.” It is still very early, so we will have to see what happens. I just remember that Mark was not even going to come out that night. Since it was not a structured event, open to all ages and not gender balanced, you never who is going to come. I am glad Mark put himself out there. It is too early to tell if lightening has struck again, but I will let you know.

So the next time you are dragging your feet about going out, keep in mind that it only takes that one chance encounter with someone to change your life forever. I am not just talking about Weekenddating.com event, but going out in general. Easier said than done sometimes for me, but I will read this again the next time I need a little extra push to get my butt out the door.

If I ever have have hair coming out of my ears, would you please let me know!! I was in Manhattan the other day on an elevator and this poor man had a forest growing out of both of his ears.

I am not making fun of the guy. I actually really wanted to help him and say something, but it just was not appropriate.

That brings us to the topic of todays blog. Grooming type issues that we should be aware of.    It could be that the bushy ear man had no clue that a bird might mistake his ear for a nest.  So lets get out some of the things that are grooming related that can hurt our chances with the opposite sex.  This may help us identify some things to consider the next time we go out.  A lot of what I say below is for the guys, but ladies, please chime in.  And guys, let the ladies know about some grooming issues they might want to be aware of.

• Unsightly hair- Can be a major turnoff for some.  Guys check your ears and your nose to see if anything is sprouting that shouldn’t be.
• Breathe-  Can you say instant deal breaker??  Guys, if a woman thinks you are attractive but your breathe stinks, you can forget about it.  I have had this come up at a few events when I asked a gal why she stopped talking to a guy at the party.
• Body Odor-  Recently a guy gave a woman a hug at an event and the gal was really turned off because of the smell.  Just be aware of this.
• Nails-  I had a “get together” (since I hate the word date) the other night and realized that my nails were longer than they should have been.  Ran into CVS for some clippers and now keep them in the car.  Not really into the whole metrosexual manicure thing myself, but have gone in the past.  As long as your nails are clean guys, should not be an issue for most women.

  Hmm, ok, I got you started and have to run.  Lets add to the list and make sure we are aware of the things that may want to consider as far as grooming.

NYC Singles

If you missed part 1 of my story, you can check it our here
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We just finished a back and forth text conversation, so at this point I figured I must have misread her and that their was some potential interest.

The next day or the day after, I called her and left a voice message.  Can you take a wild guess what happened???

NOTHING……

Ok, lets review for a minute.    I initially called her and had a very good phone conversation.  I called a few days later and she never called back.  I decided to text her and she responded back instantly and we had a back and forth “text conversation.”   I figure that there is some potential interest, so I put in a phone call over the next few days.  No return phone call.

Now at this point, I have had enough, but had to follow through and use this experience for research.   I only “chase” for so long, and then it is time to move on.

I waited a few days and texted her.  Once again, she immediately responded back being very friendly, asking how my weekend was, maybe we will get together, blah blah blah.  I texted back “would like to get to know you better, but I am really not into this back and forth text thing.  You have my number, so give a call and we can talk.”  She responded back that she didn’t recall getting any phone messages from me and that she would call, which she didn’t.

No biggie here, just reinforces things I have read for a while.  If someone is really interested in you, they will pick up the phone.  The texting allows you to keep your toe in the water without actually jumping in.

Some of the good responses from the first part of the blog are:

• “O.K., I for one cannot stand the ritual of ‘texting’ as a means of communicating with dates, especially in the beginning when you really don’t know each other. I’m o.k. with a text to say, “Hi! Will you be around later so that we can chat on the phone?”, and with an actual phone call that follows! I know that nerves come into play, but, really, what happened to calling someone (men) and then returning the phone call (women)???”
• “I can honestly say that I have done the text rather than call scenario. Texting is my way of chickening out. I wont return a phone call if I am not really interested, but I will return a text because I feel bad. Sound horrible? Yes, I know it does…but its the truth!”
• “Texting should be the “in between” communication, not the real communication. I’ll sometimes respond to a vmail with a text, “Got your message, I’ll call you around 8″ or something like that. If I’m meeting someone at a restaurant or a bar, I’ll text when I get there, “Just arrived, are you inside?” Not really a fan of using texting as conversation.”

• “Texting is very lame and I find it’s the trend…and a cowardly way of communicating back. Men who are either in relationships–and unable to have a conversation because their time is limited will usually text. The same goes for women, who are not necessarily busy–but have too much going on. Yes…it’s the easy way out–but getting to know someone should not be about what is easy. And if someone has such limited time that they have to text–they don’t have room for anyone in their lives. Texting in general is time-consuming, impersonal and thoughtless…unless you are texting to confirm plans and are unable to speak due to work, or you already know each other–and just want to firm up details, such where, when and how? That simple.”

Technology has created such an impersonal platform for dating now. Such a shame. If a phone call is “too much work”–for either a man or woman–don’t bother wasting your valuable time with someone like that.

Long Island Dating NYC singles

So what is it about texting someone vs. calling?

At our speed pool event about a month  ago, a married couple seemed very intrigued by what was going on.  The woman said she had a single sister and wanted to let her know about the events.  Then she asked about my status and when I told her that I was single, she asked if I would be interested in talking to her sister.

In the past.. No chance in He%%.. Been there done that with the blind date thing and I hate getting caught in a potentially awkward situation.  I’m a guy, and I am visual.  Hey looks are not everything, but there has to be some attraction.

However the new me, is trying to keep an open mind and change my tune.   I said “Sure, I will talk to her.”  I figured the worst thing that can happen is that I will let her know about the events if we do not hit it off.”  The woman gave me her sisters number and although I did not know it at the time, was trying to snap secret pictures of me to email to her sister.  Wow,, got to love technology.  (Pics didn’t come out, it was too dark)

So I called a few days later and to my surprise had a great conversation.  We spoke for about a half hour.  Since I do not follow the three day rule, I called a day or two later and left a message.

No phone call back.  Hmm, ok, maybe she is one of these old fashioned women, so I waited 4 or 5 days, and again got her voice mail.  I left a message and once again no phone call back.

Now I’m pissed, and said ok, 3 strikes your out, and about a week later, I sent her a text message.   Boom, within 5 minutes she replied, asking how I was, blah blah blah. Went back and forth on text for a bit.

Ok, this is getting a little long, so I will cut it here and fill you in next time as to what happened.  In the meantime check out a funny skit about the whole text message thingy.

Warning:  If you can not appreciate adult humor, skip this video.